Many years ago, I remember sitting in the common area of a certain university residence hall when suddenly, I was struck with the desire to write. So, as was my custom then (and continues to be now), I whipped out my BlackBerry and just started typing literally anything that came to mind. A free-flow of words–unfiltered, unmodified, raw. Real. The following is a result of that thought experiment. I’m thankful for this.
I am waiting for your call. It seems as though it’s been weeks—no, months—since you’ve been gone. I want you back. I cannot bear this suffering I feel inside because of your absence. This needs to end. I feel the beat of my heart slowing with every second that passes in which I am away from you. I feel my life slip—slip—slipping away with every second that passes by, but I just told you that.
When my bodily functions begin to cease, I feel myself falling deep into the seas—the seas of torment and sadness, that is. Where are you, my amore? Where are you? When will you come back? I need you back soon, and that’s a fact. Why am I being allowed to suffer like this? Why am I so alone? Why am I dwelling among those who love, while I am seemingly banished to a land where I endlessly roam? She’s not the one for me—neither is she. But when will I wake up and find my heart beating again? Life is a terrifyingly torturous thing.
I feel the beat of my heart beginning to bump again. I feel it thumping. There appears to be a sun rising over this depleted horizon of doom and defeat. Is this hope, or am I going to end up sitting back, sighing to myself, muttering yet again the word “nope?” I don’t know. There are too many patterns in my life that deceive me and lead me astray; I wonder when I will finally find love’s nest, where my head will finally lay.
These are my random thoughts and emotions; don’t get it twisted—I’m still rather sane. I just need to find the pilot—it’s time to get into this plane. Where am I going with this? No one really knows. At this point I’m just typing randomly and incessantly until I figure out what the hell it is I’m really trying to say, here. Am I lonely? I feel like that sometimes. Am I homely? Some may say so. Do I have self-confidence?
It depends on the situation. It’s often I wish I were the ruler of an empire where the people would have no choice but to pay me homage. I would help them out of the goodness of my heart, and they would have no choice but to shower me with praise and affection. I never felt as if I received enough, but it’s possible my shyness may have prevented me from placing myself in a position where such accolades would be possible.
Where am I, anyway? I’m deep in thought. I don’t know where else to go with this, other than that I continue to long for my beautiful wife; that beautiful lover of mine with whom I will share everything—including my happiness. Maybe more, or maybe less. I’ll never know at this rate. But there are times in which I feel like a rebel. Dressed in robes fit for guerilla warfare, I am ready to take what’s mine with my knife seated firmly atop the crowns of my teeth.
But maybe these thoughts are the thoughts of a hard-core rocker mindset personified in the form of my soul which lives within the humble son of beauty that is me. Perhaps I have gone too far with some of my thoughts, but then again, how else am I supposed to keep these thoughts safe and secure? They need to be released among the people in some form that I do not yet understand, but will, hopefully. Or maybe I won’t. Who knows?
There are too many unanswered questions existing in this world today, but then again, who is really counting? Are we merely a product of unanswered questions, or are we unknowingly answering them all without even realizing it? How can someone really figure out the answer to this? The sun is setting soon yet again, and another day passes without having properly achieved my goals for the time.
I do feel accomplished at the reality that the future will finally bring me. Success will last a lifetime, but what I really want is the kind of immortality that ends in death—death to the sinner within. But I am a fallen man. This morning yearning that I feel at the start of every day is truly a dangerous one, but I am strong enough to fight it.
We all have our demons; do you know how strong yours are? Some say that they are custom-made for each and every one of us. But this isn’t theology; this is life ignored by the masses on a relational level not yet fully understood by its own citizens. It sounds a lot like government in this day and age.
We may not even realize the good that government actually does for our lives, but we are so caught up in the agenda and rhetoric of fellow citizens themselves ignorant of the truth that we are unwittingly coerced into developing this anti-government fervor that stagnates the progress that we are all working so hard to achieve.
We are all in this together, but some of the more greedy members of our society are those that feel that it should be all about them, while disguising it as some form of patriotic illusion of grandeur. But alas, there she walks. Behold Lady Liberty: beautiful in form, graceful in motion, and completely unaware of my love for her. But that’s just how life is, sometimes.
We can’t always get what we want. I simply want to lead. I want power, but not for the same reasons that the next guy does: I want this power to change society for the better. I once wrote a list of things I would do if I had all the power in the world at my disposal. At the same time, how utopic could we really get in this fallen world?
I won’t aim for a utopia; that would be a foolish and potentially catastrophic road to travel down. Again, that’s just how life is, sometimes. I just want a world I can live in where I can live in a nice house and provide for my family at the rate that is respectable in the eyes of society. I just want to be able to treat my family to whatever their heart desires—within reason, that is.
Maybe this is what I need to be focusing on. The sins of the flesh are a foolish and dangerous distraction for those seeking greatness in this world. We are all guilty of these things, but I will not act like there isn’t a way around it—because there really is. I’m no angel, but I’d rather be a redeemed sinner than a being that’s never really been able to understand God’s love from the perspective of someone that’s never known what it’s like to be away from it.
It’s a scary thing that deceives us all, and I too have fallen victim to it. But it’s all something relative depending on the situation. Electricity sparkles in the air as I raise my eyes to the hills; from whence shall my help comes from? The poet replies, saying that it comes from the Lord. That’s all good and fine, but—nope, there are no buts. Maybe that’s why I enjoy women so much. Maybe that’s just how I feel.
How can I help it if I appreciate certain aspects of the female form? Self-regulation is a realistic and honest thing to take control of—you never know when it will come in handy. Maybe that’s why my head is hurting right now. Could it be that I am officially running out of energy? Where did this energy even come from? Could it have been the Vanilla Hazelnut I drank a few hours ago? I wouldn’t know what to tell you.
Live life without distractions; you’d be surprised how much work you could actually get done in this world. Alas, we are all caught up in our own desires and emotions to the point where we become a slave to them; even when we think we’ve got things under control, we really don’t. That’s just the way things are, I suppose.
Take some time out to read your local newspaper every so often—you never know what you may or may not have missed. Maybe globalization has its disadvantages. We have rapidly become a more impersonal world the more we’ve created a means to communicate with the people around us. How ironic is that? I can’t imagine how amazing life—and all its ironies—continue to surprise me.
Can anyone make sense of that? I know I can’t. I suppose then that the only true thing to do is to live, love, let life, and achieve your goals. We believe in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. For my whole life, I have always declared this slogan-like triple-word set differently: we believe in live, love, and liberty, for if we live and love, we shall truly be free.
The pursuit of happiness wouldn’t really be necessary since the presence of love among one another would make such a pursuit irrelevant and obsolete. I would suppose that such an idea is certainly worth thinking about when we sit back and look upon our great nation. What if the pursuit of happiness is that which breeds the greediness that is grinding our movement to a screeching halt in this day and age?
What if our failure to live in a loving way among our fellow citizens is why there is so much divisiveness in this country? Maybe that’s the answer we’ve all been looking for; as for me, it would seem as though I still have answers to find. But like I’ve said many times before, that’s just the way life is sometimes, I suppose. But where am I going with this?
Will this someday have significance among the masses? Will this ever come to an end? That is up to the mind that speaks to the words that speak to the actions that speak the words into existence that evoke further thoughts that come forth. It’s interesting how everything is linked together by a common thread of humanity.
At the end of the day, it all starts with the soul. Did you know that your soul is currently at the soul of a cosmic conflict that are pitting two supernatural titans against one another? You would think then that it matters. Stay on your toes. As I type this, I realize that I just caught a flying mosquito in my hands. With that, I conclude.
11:43 PM, 19 March 2012
Baxter Hall, Palm Beach Atlantic University
West Palm Beach, Florida, 33401
It took 46 minutes to write this.